Always

I saw a picture of you today.  The freshly pressed uniform, the smile of achievement.  Having now graduated the Academy, you’re one step closer to your dream of becoming a police officer.  Quite the accomplishment having a family, working full time and attending classes.  You should be very proud. 

I’m amazed at how life continues to move forward and yet our lives, once so beautifully intertwined, remain so vastly independent; and I’m equally perplexed at the inability to know how to remedy the situation.  I used to wonder how family members could go years without speaking, and yet here I am going on four.

What if I told you once again, there isn’t a day that goes by you don’t come to mind and that if you’d just tell me how to fix this, I would?  I guess that’s the part I can’t wrap my head around, I’ve said those things many times and still, nothing.  You have my love,  something you’ve had from the moment I knew you existed; from the nine months of carrying you close to my heart - all the way through these almost 29 years.  You also have my devotion, as no matter how many years pass, my heart and arms will remain open waiting for the moment you realize you want to return. 

I used to say “I’d give anything to have you be a part of my life again,” but I realize it isn’t what I’m willing to give, it’s what you’re willing to receive; and I haven’t quite figured out what that is.  Do you even know?  If it were just you and I without outside influences could you tell me, or are you too at a loss? If that’s the case – let’s be at a loss together and find our way through.

Most days I know where to put the raw emotion of it all and no one would know.  Today however, is not one of those days.  So today I’m allowing myself to be sad, but recognize tomorrow I will, once again, find a place for it. 

I’ve never wished my children anything but peace and yet, it’s my prayer that the place you’ve found to tuck away the emotion, doesn’t ever become comfortable.  I pray it tugs at your heart and causes it to beat wildly now and then so maybe one day you realize, that heartbeat of yours - once beat in unison with mine - and they belong together.