Risk

     I spent almost 7 days laying on our loveseat or in bed as the girl who, “never gets the flu so she doesn’t bother getting the shot”, was diagnosed with the flu.  The first four days I basically slept and by day five I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever feel better.  Once I was able, I decided I would catch up on social media as lack of energy and my cough didn’t allow me to do much of anything else.   Although prior to checking it out I didn’t feel out of the loop, it only took a few minutes to realize I had missed quite a bit! 

     My spirits lifted as I saw the sweet pictures of our great-nephew and couldn’t believe how much he changed in just one week’s time and enjoyed seeing how evident it was that his Mom and Dad are already deeply in love with him; and I laughed as I saw some of my friend’s outings and was happy knowing I’m not the only person who doesn’t necessarily feel or “act” their age.

     I couldn’t wait to see the Eagles nest as I was certain the eggs would have hatched by that time.  As I scrolled down the page I saw a picture of an eaglet next to the second egg and smiled – how cute and fuzzy it was!  It only took another moment for me to see an update that not only did this little one not survive, but the second egg didn’t appear to be viable and most likely would not hatch; and it took just one moment more for me to burst into tears.  Whether my illness played a role in my outpouring of emotion or I just want to say that was the case so that you don’t think I’m ridiculous I’m not sure, but the fact is, it made me sad.  After regaining my composure I began reading to see what happened but unfortunately, there was no explanation to be found. 

     I just sat there and my mind began recalling the various events that have had an emotional effect on me but never actually were resolved or explained.  Like many people, I like things resolved.  I like knowing the “why” of everything and I like balance.  I’m the girl who while hanging things on a wall needs two things on the right of the main focal point if there are two things on the left.  I’ll ask you ten times “what’s wrong?” until you finally tell me and then almost force you to figure out how to make it right; and I have to eat two or four cookies because one isn’t enough and three – well, that’s just wrong.

     Yet, it’s been in the times when life doesn’t give me the “why” and it’s been in the unknown that I’ve found my deepest strength.  I’ve learned when I have to rely on faith to get me through, that’s when I’ve grown the most as a person. 

     I actually contemplated removing myself from the Eagle viewing group as the grief that was being expressed in the group members’ posts was upsetting.  You may be thinking, “Really Faye?  Its nature – this stuff happens all the time, they were eggs for goodness sake!”  To me, and many others, they were so much more; they represented so much more.  Those little eggs and watching how the Eagle parents faithfully cared for, rotated, and protected them represented seasons in our own lives and nothing compares to the joy of seeing that new life and watching as the parents care for and train their young and then the beauty of seeing the babies grow and move on. 

     Have you ever poured everything you have into someone only to come to the realization that they aren’t going to be a part of your life?  With countless hours of love, devotion and energy given and in the end you’re left without them?  Well, that’s what those eggs represented and that’s why we mourn the loss.   

     It can be your mother or father, a dear friend, or even your own child and the circumstances may be fresh in your mind or it may be so long that you don’t quite remember what tore you apart in the first place, but one thing is certain, there’s a hole in your heart that aches to be filled with their presence.

     I’ve been faced with this kind of loss and spent more time than I’d like to admit allowing it to consume me.  Looking back, there's nothing I would do differently as I believe my actions and reactions were with much thought and were done out of love.  My heart continues to be open to them returning and I pray that happens but I can also say that even though’ that’s the case – my heart still hurts.   

     There comes a time however, one must recognize that continuing to allow the situation and the past to consume you, is doing nothing but destroying you and those who DO want to be a part of your life.  I had to allow myself time to mourn the loss but recognize when it’s time to live again.  Most importantly, I learned that finding a place for that pain, isn’t giving up hope for joy in the future.

     I won’t be removing myself from the viewing group and I will look forward to the next time I can anxiously await a new fuzzy arrival.  Whether it's an Eagle Cam or a person in my life, if I close my heart and not take the risk of being hurt or disappointed, I’ll miss the many wonderful blessings and countless joy that come when you pour hours of love, devotion and energy into those around you and believe me when I tell you ... I don’t want to miss a thing.